The zombie apocalypse is coming.  It might be tomorrow, or it might be next year, but it’s definitely coming.  Are you prepared?

I’ve been working on a plan for survival for some time now.  I think I’ve got it nailed down pretty good now.  We’ll see in the upcoming year or two.

First, my assumptions.  I’m going with the worse case.

Yes, some folk may sneer at fast zombies.  They prefer the old-school George Romero style leg draggers, but why simply assume those stupid lumbering fragile corpses will be the worst thing you’ll face.  I’m preparing for fast zombies.  The Left 4 Dead I Am Legend style zombies.  Ones who were turned while alive and still have zoom left in those bones.

I’m also going with the infectious zombie paradigm.  Get bitten and you turn, simple as that.  Even a scratch could give you the nasty.  The epidemiology of zombiedom would be rough.  It’ll spread far and wide, with very few left untouched.  And those will be the smart and quick.  No immunity get-out-of-zombie free card around here.

And, worst case, the surviving people go a bit feral.  More than a bit.  It’ll all be survivalist rednecks and the like.  They may actually be worse than the zombies.

So, here’s the plan.

Soon as the outbreak gets a bit real, there’ll be an increased military presence.  If y’all see more than, say, ten military choppers in the sky, it’s time to bail.  Until then, hide in your basement, or in your neighbors basement.  Gather food, water, fuel, clothing, guns, and tools, both power and not.

Once the choppers show up, and I’m picking choppers as an arbitrary sign that y’all should be able to see, well once they show up, I’m making my way to Shilshole Bay Marina.  There are plenty of boats there, and we’ll need the biggest sailboats we can find.  If you can’t sail, well, you’ll have to learn.

We’ll nab the biggest few we can find, load up all of our supplies.  Hopefully the diesel tanks will be full, but if not, we may need to fill up.  Water too.

We’ll then head north.  Don’t look back, stay in the middle of the sound, and head north.  Up past the San Juans, past Vancouver Island, almost to Alaska.  There are a lot of small islands up there.  A lot.  And Fjords.  Plenty of remote places to hide and set up a lair.

We’ll find a nice abandoned island, possibly with a few structures on it, and a fjord with a dock.  Good for hiding.

Once we make set up, we’ll use that as our home port for….pirating.  Yes, the plan is to become pirates.

It’ll be tough at first, as most of the water traffic will be motorboats, faster than our sailboats, but once fuel becomes a bit scarce, the tides will turn, so to speak.  We’ll mount cannons on our deck (that’s what the tools are for, to make cannons.)  We’ll have cutlasses.  We’ll be good old-fashioned pirates.

Water traffic will die down, so we’ll need to do what all good pirates do when there’s not much fair game on the open seas.  We’ll pillage.  We’ll head to small towns here and there, chop our way through any zombie hordes, which should be easy ’cause you only get tens of thousands of zombies in small towns in the movies and video games.  Any survivors?  We’ll need to deal with them, but we’ll have surprise on our side.  Who expects real pirates.  And hey, maybe they’ll want to join us.

There should be plenty of ale and rum to be had.  Zombies don’t drink booze.  We’ll of course go after that first.  And salt pork.  And lemons.  Don’t want to get scurvy.

I think good old fashioned piracy is probably the best strategy for zombie-end-days survival.  Well, it’s at least the most stylish.

Yarrrrr!